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Last updated on 11/25/2019


Scary. When I wrote “30” as the title of this post, I felt scared. Ha! The time has finally come. Goodbye my 20s. Let’s embrace the new phase of my life. I’m officially 30 now.

Time goes by very quickly. I still remember vividly the moment I turned 14, 17, 21, and in a blink of eye I reached my 30 today. I don’t know what to say. Somehow, I still can’t grasp the situation. How can I finally be here while at the same time I still like I’m being trapped in my 18 year-old-me?

Seems like nothing is black and white anymore
Shades of grey and I feel a weight over my shoulder
It’s tough getting older

I always thought that I knew where I’d want to go
Now I’m here and I find that I’m still getting colder
It’s kinda tough getting older

Waited all my life for this day to come
I feel like letting go, life goes on

older, Colbie Caillat

Yeah, it’s kind of tough getting older. The pressure sometimes is too intense. When things are not going well, I have to calm my nerves. When I cannot rely on others when I’m in need of help, I have to be stronger no matter what. Keep pushing myself. Keep trying. Keep running even though I’m out of breath. Can I bear all burdens in this life? That’s what I think of several times. But, I still need to be kind to myself.

A week ago I bought myself a birthday present. Realizing that I have to be nice to myself, I decided to give something to me to feel good. Well, it’s not particularly special. At least, this is something that will make me happy.

The birthday present I bought for myself. Books never disappoint me 🙂

I neither cannot believe nor fully confident that I’m a grown up. People say that adulthood should be nothing to fear. But in reality, to start living with new responsibilities is not easy. I keep comparing my path to others. Sometimes, I feel like I’m too late to do that thing. I already run out of time to do this thing. I cannot catch up with other people. I feel like I’m way far to be left behind.


Be thankful and count my blessings, I’m still trying to do that. I’m learning to be a better person day by day. I admit that sometimes I waste my life looking at those better off than me. My friends look happier because they already have a family, a promising career, and the life that I I cannot have. My colleagues look like they have a better life because they have such a better fate than me. Children of my parents’ friends become more successful and lead a good life. That person looks better. This person looks brighter. They are happier than happy. They are much richer than me. Well, when it comes to comparing, honestly I cannot stop. I’ll keep saying this and that.

When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

fix you, coldplay

At some point, I had to give up some dreams. Learning to stop and take a deep breath. Letting it go and starting something new over. Even though the reality hits me hard and hurts me, I have to pull myself together and keep my head high.

Being an adult means we have to make better choices of our life, people say. Every choice comes with its consequences and risks. We may still fail and disappoint to ourselves. Back then, I used to try solving my whole life overnight. Recently, I’ve been trying to make a peace with myself. Letting go of unnecessary things. Moving on from hurtful moments. Trying to not being too hard on myself.

I’d like to stay 18 if I could. It may sound silly but sometimes I feel like my attitude is like a teenager. Moody, stubborn, confused all the time, and always feeling anxious when it comes to try something new. Have you ever felt that you failed being an adult? Day by day, I hope I can be a better person although I cannot be an adult I want to be yet.

Hopefully we can finally find that one person 🙂

My circle might have not be getting larger for the past few years. Yet, I’m grateful that the people and friends who are still close to me never turn their backs on me. I hope the sweet moments and togetherness will remain the same for the years coming.

If we’re not moving forward
What are we moving for?

Feels like we’re losing order
Fighting a losing warWe need to work this out
Can’t do this by myself
How did we let it go this far?

You know it’s not too late for us to make a change
You gotta listen to your heart what does it say?
No matter how much we might bend, we will not break
‘Cause we got what it takes to stay

change, one ok rock

It’s not easy to make a change but it’s not too late to take a new step. Everybody’s changing. Everything is not the same anymore. We keep taking new choices in our life. We may make a new turn and take a different path. This life will keep dragging us to the end. That is the reality and we have to accept that.

I feel anxious about not being able to make the most of our life. People don’t really like me much. I cannot satisfy all people. I cannot fulfill all of their expectations. Somewhere in my heart, I’m just a little girl who is afraid of walking in the darkness alone.


30 is the new 20, I say. Turning back time is an impossible thing to do. The clock is ticking. We will have to face bad days. I may get hurt and knocked down in this life. Despite the fact that I’m getting older, I’m still to afraid to dive into adulthood. There are so many things I don’t understand yet. I’m overwhelmed with many voices inside my head.

Why can’t I change after all these years?
Why can’t I change my ways?
I find it so strange after all these years
I’m still more or less the same

Wherever I go, whatever I do, whatever I know
It just comes and goes so soon
Whatever life brings, whatever song it sings
I’m still whistling the same old tune

why can’t i change, passenger

I’m still more or less the same. People still give me the same label. I still receive the same response towards my actions. I keep making the same mistakes. I’m still afraid to try the same things. Over and over again, my mind keeps spinning in the same bubble. Once I asked myself if I’m really worth it to live this life.

I only see my goals, I don’t believe in failure
‘Cause I know the smallest voices, they can make it major
I got my boys with me at least those in favor
And if we don’t meet before I leave, I hope I’ll see you later

Once I was twenty years old, my story got told
I was writing about everything, I saw before me
Once I was twenty years old
Soon we’ll be thirty years old, our songs have been sold
We’ve traveled around the world and we’re still roaming
Soon we’ll be thirty years old

7 years, lukas graham

Hopefully, I can be a wiser person. Becoming more independent and achieving my new targets. For all the dreams I had to give up, I let them go. This time I will create new dreams to achieve. I’ll put a new smile on my face. When things get hard, I’ll push a pause button.

Take one step at a time. Never too late to be alive again. Thank you Allah for giving me this life. No matter how hard this life will be, I’ll keep walking with head high.

Published inJOURNAL

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